If Architects Had to Work Like Web Designers
Filed Under Blog, Fun, Internet, The Funny, Web Standards & Design
I did freelance web design full time for almost two years, trying to support myself while I was unemployed. A lot of the time, the people would know they wanted a website, but not know how to give me any input about their needs or wants for the site. Often, I used this piece of writing (unfortunately, I do not know who originally wrote it) to explain how NOT to interact with your web development professional.
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet.
However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
Sincerely,
John Q. Public
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case..
Best Typo EVER
Filed Under Blog, Fun, Internet, News, Observations, Sites, The Funny
This was in an article titled Women Saved from Burning Building published on KOMO’s website. The article has since been edited to add detail, as well as, presumably, to fix the faux pas.
Birthday Continuation
Filed Under Blog, Fun, Internet, News, Personal, Photo Journal, The Funny, Work
Well, my birthday has not been the relaxing, lazy day that I’d planned, but nonetheless it has been fairly mellow. We had to go to work, even though it is quite the wintery, icy, snowy day. If I’d wanted to I suppose I could have cut work, but I kind of like that whole “paycheck” thing, and also the concept of “keeping my job.”
I suppose that it turned out to be a good thing, overall.
I knew, almost as soon as we stepped out the door, that it was going to be an interesting day. On the walk downtown to catch the bus, we saw the most awesome snowman in the history of snowmen. Some inspired people built a snowman on their front porch’s wide stone railing, and as we walked by they were just putting the finishing touches on their snowman/revolutionary/protester - complete with a “The End is Near!” type of sign on a pole. He even had on some sunglasses - probably to look cool.
But the best part was the message written on his sign. Since it’s hard to read in the picture, but too funny not to share, I typed up the the dire message from the snowman’s sign:
THE ICE AGE IS COMING!
EMBRACE YOUR ICY DEMISE!…bitches.
After laughing riotously and high-fiving a few times, we asked the “artists” if we could photograph their snow-creation. They said “Sure!” so we did, and continued on our way. The streets were slushy and slick, but once we got to downtown it was less so - in places. That was somewhat expected, though - the steep incline of Capitol Hill, where we live, keeps it much more icy than other parts of the city.
The bus was late, but we’d expected it would be at least a bit late - if it came at all. Once we were on the bus, we just kind of kicked back and rode to work. I nearly slipped down the hill walking from the bus stop to work, but other than that, the morning was wholly uneventful. Uneventful, that is, until the UPS delivery man arrived with a very large package for me.
I’d been expecting two things delivered to me at work, since my shift does not allow for me to be at home to sign for packages during delivery hours. The first item was my new camcorder, which I picked up last night at the UPS center after they couldn not deliver it - they’d tried at home, though I had asked they deliver it to work and they confirmed it. That was a little puzzling. But at least I was finally united with the wayward electronic device without much frustration.
What I was waiting on, and was expecting, was my GameCube, which I’d found (new!) on Amazon.com for a bargain price. So, after signing for the oddly huge box I brought it back to my desk, curious to get at the goodies inside. When I tore open the top, I couldn’t have even attempted to come up with something more baffling and hilarious to find instead of a video game console.
In the box, under a mountain of packing peanuts, was a box. The box did not contain a GameCube. It was not even from Amazon. The box I pulled out in front of my astonished coworkers, was… some sort of kitchen appliance. Shaped like… a chicken. A big, plastic chicken! It was a Henrietta Hen Egg Cooker. Apparently, you can put up to seven eggs inside, and set it to either hard- or soft-boil the eggs and also to poach up to four eggs at once… and it clucks when the eggs are done. A clucking chicken shaped egg-cooker.
Ordered from QVC, no less.
I checked the order receipt and was relieved to see that it really was delivered to me in error and wasn’t the wrong item - if I’d gotten an egg-cooker (chicken shaped or not) rather than a GameCube, I’d have been really upset.
After a short perusal of the order slip, and the box, I pieced together what had happened. The original recipient lives in the building next to mine - so when I had my package redirected and sent to my work, rather than home. Well, at some point it would seem that someone at UPS screwed up and put the sticker for my camera onto the egg cooker box since the addresses are so similar.
My last bit of worrying about the bizarre shipping mishap and turned to total hilarity when not even a few minutes later, a coworker brought me a package from the front door. It was, indeed, my gamecube. so, now, I’m actually the proud owner of a chicken-shaped doo-dad that cooks eggs, as WELL as a Gamecube.
What a birthday surprise.
Thank you to everyone who’s wished me a “happy birthday” today. I appreciate it.
Oh God, The Bees!
Filed Under Art, Blog, Internet, The Funny
Oh dear lord! Bees! - The Awful Forums
“Flannel Bob” wrote:
We looked out back and noticed a swarm of honeybees congregating on the swingset. There are a lot of kids around, including my sister’s 3 kids. They were inside at the time, fortunately.
The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn’t come out unless we paid a hefty fee, […] so we did the next best thing. Started fucking with the bees.
If you know me at all, you know one of my favorite exclaimations is “Oh, god! The bees!” followed by barking, buzzing, and other nonsense that Eliza and I find mind-bendingly hilarious, and other people seem to find retarded. Their loss.
A month or so ago, Erik and I freaked out at finding two HUGE bees in the car, inexplicably, as if they’d appeared out of thin air, on a miserably rainy day. The entire experience was, in short, wicked funny and when I retold the story to Eliza, her reaction was “That is EPIC.”
I thought that she’d never be able to top it. Granted, it was hilarious - how on earth did bees get in our car? And yes, I’ll post the whole story here some time. But today… she proved that is WAY more bee-funny out there.
BEST BEES EVER!
Awesome!
Door to Door Atheists
Filed Under Activism, Art, Blog, Internet, Movies, News, The Funny
Door-to-Door Atheists Bother Mormons
11/21/2006 - Australian filmmaker John Safran is so fed up with mormons ringing his doorbell early in the morning that he flies to Salt Lake City Utah and tries to convert Mormons to atheism. Needless to say, the locals were not pleased.
